Only some values make the cut.
Only some values make the cut.
Ottawa, June 8, 2025 — In a speech that left political analysts scratching their heads and social media ablaze with maple syrup-fueled outrage, former Bank of Canada Governor and current prime minister Mark Carney has declared that “some, but not all” Islamic values align with Canadian values. The statement, delivered with Carney’s trademark blend of gravitas and vagueness, has sparked a firestorm of debate, memes, and at least one strongly worded letter to the editor of The Globe and Mail.
Speaking at a think-tank gala in Toronto, Carney attempted to thread a needle so fine it could only be seen under a microscope. “Canada is a mosaic of values—freedom, fairness, hockey fights, and, yes, some Islamic values,” he said, pausing to sip a double-double for dramatic effect. “But not all of them. I mean, let’s not get carried away.”
When pressed by reporters to clarify which Islamic values made the cut for Canadian-ness, Carney offered a response that was equal parts diplomatic and infuriatingly noncommittal. “You know, the good ones. Respect, community, charity—stuff we all like. But, like, not the ones that don’t vibe with poutine and apologizing for bumping into furniture. It’s a balance.”
The reaction was swift and predictably polarized. On X, the hashtag #CarneyValues trended for hours, with posts ranging from “Finally, a politician who gets it!” to “What’s next, sharia law at Tim Hortons?” One user, @MapleLeafMaverick, summed up the confusion: “So Carney’s cool with halal meat but draws the line at… what? Beards? Prayer rugs? HELP.”
“This is what happens when you let globalist bankers lecture Canadians about values,” thundered former MP Pierre Poilievre, brandishing a hockey stick for emphasis during a press conference. “Canadians want clear answers: is it bacon or no bacon? The ritual sacrifice of goats? Pick a side, Mark!”
Meanwhile, progressive commentators lauded Carney’s “nuanced” approach, with one CBC panelist calling it “a bold step toward inclusivity that respects Canada’s pluralistic identity.” However, even they admitted to being stumped when asked to define which Islamic values were not Canadian. “I assume he means the ones nobody likes,” ventured one analyst, before quickly changing the subject to tariffs.
The NDP, never ones to miss a chance to moralize, issued a statement accusing Carney of “pandering to divisive rhetoric” while simultaneously demanding he apologize for not being inclusive enough. “All values are Canadian values, unless they’re bad values,” the statement read, in what critics called a masterclass of saying nothing at all.
In a rare moment of unity, Canadians across the political spectrum agreed on one thing: Carney’s speech was a masterstroke of saying something without saying anything. “He’s like a human press release,” remarked political satirist Rick Mercer on his podcast. “The man could announce he’s Prime Values Minister and nobody would know what he meant.”
As the dust settles, Carney has retreated to his cottage in Muskoka, reportedly to “reflect on Canada’s economic future” but more likely to avoid the inevitable follow-up questions. Sources close to the PM say he’s already working on his next speech, tentatively titled “Some, But Not All, Tim Hortons Menu Items Reflect Canadian Identity.”
In the meantime, Canadians are left to ponder the eternal question: if some Islamic values are Canadian, and some Canadian values are Islamic, does that mean shawarma is now an official food group? Only time—and perhaps Carney’s next ambiguous speech—will tell.